In this month's edition of .. erhmm .. essential think-tank magazine "Her World", there was an article called "Quickie Marriages" which confirmed a phenomenon that I have been noticing in the last few years: Women who date in their 30s (or early 40s for men) are much more likely to get married within a very short time of entering into a relationship.Indeed, with busy work schedules, overseas postings and a jetsetting lifestyle, people are also "shortcutting" the dating process. One good guy friend of mine tells me that the only time he really meets women, are at friend's weddings, especially weddings held overseas, which he finds a fruitful ground for finding dates. "Many of these people who attend the weddings are also on a holiday, and relaxed, and are in the "right" frame of mind at these occasions".
I have just heard that one of my gal friends has decided to tie the knot after 7 months of knowing her fiance, another one got married after two years of a long distance relationship, and only 4 months of being in the same country.
"It's basically a decision to enter into the next stage of life." these friends tell me. "After a certain age, you come to an awareness that there is no such thing as a perfect person, so you take a calculated risk. Of course, it must feel right as well and I must be attracted to that person."
I am genuinely happy for my friends who really do feel that they are ready to take that step (I know it is not something at all easy for some of us to do), and want nothing less than a life of true bliss for them and their partners. And it really is very wonderful to see two people grow to become closer and closer through marriage, especially so if they are Christians.
I thought what was interesting about the "Her World" article (a totally secular one of course), was how it traces the effect of emotions and hormones in the dating process and in marriage. It discusses, as some scientific journals have done, why the euphoria of romance and "attraction" tends to dissipate as quickly as within the first 6-12 months of a relationship, because of certain biological patterns that both men and women undergo.
The article also explains that it usually takes at least 6 to 12 months of consistent interaction, in a wide variety of everyday settings (home, work, etc) to discover the personality traits and habits of the other person. People are often on their best behaviour during those initial months of the relationship, but it often takes a stressful situation or just plain old "hanging out" time in order to discover how the other person handles pressure, what are his or her true values,and how two people are able (or unable) to handle conflict together.
Of course, none of the above is really new. These issues are discussed ad nauseum amongst friends, in books, in church etc. There is much wise and healthy advice from experienced folks out there, so I shan't have the need to write much about it at all.
Each of us individually need to get to that place in our lives to be able to honestly ask ourselves what is the purpose of marriage, why and how we might have made it a goal (or not), and how long it will take for us to be ready for it.
The "timeline" will be set either by ourselves, or by pressures outside ourselves.
So, to the question, "How long should one date date before one marries?" One might reply: "As soon as one is able to get to the place to be able say that I don't need to marry any person, and as long as it takes to be able to say I do want to marry this particular one."
